I kept having this reoccurring dream of being in high school. I could see all the details of the school. The long hallways of lockers, that felt like a maze meant to keep me lost.
I didn't know what it meant until just recently. The dream was warning me that I was not graduating because I was lost in the hallways. What God had called me to do was being delayed because I was lost in the hallways. You can't graduate till you do what God tells you to do. My problem was that I didn't know how to put it all together. Growing up, to deal with the trauma, I would dissociate myself. Therefore my sense of time is lost. I know what happened, I just can't tell you when it happened. Over the years I have pulled together pieces of my memories that would help me get an estimate on a time frame, but to put together a book of what happened seemed daunting.
THE CALL TO WRITE
The call to write it all down kept visiting in various ways. Every time I shared my testimony at a local event, someone would walk over and say, "You should write a book". My favorite was when one gentleman told me I sounded like an audible and that he could listen to me for hours. That compliment was huge for me. You have to understand that for a long time, I felt I had lost my voice. So to get such a compliment that someone could listen to me for hours, especially coming from a man, was just the affirmation I needed. The call to write it all down was not a haunting feeling. It felt more like gentle love taps of encouragement that I believe God used to speak to me.
For a years I couldn't write it down because I didn't have my timelines right. What I failed to notice is that God wasn't asking me to write it my way. He wanted me to write about what I learned and He had a format in mind. One Sunday morning I was standing in the media room right before the service starring at the paper in the printer. Then it happened, it all downloaded into my brain, so I ran to the printer pulled out the paper, looked for a pen and wrote it all down. Each chapter title with a scripture reference to help me navigate what God wanted me to say. The feeling was overwhelming and I wanted to cry with joy. There was no way I could come up with the format of the book by myself. I was deeply humbled on how HE pulled it together for me, to help me out. I'm always floored when HE speaks.
I have been trying for years and I have several drafts on my computer that will soon be trashed. However, once HE provided the Chapters it only took a few months to finish. It probably could have been written in weeks, but I wanted to take a deep dive and study each scripture reference He gave me. I learned so much, not only about the Holy Scriptures, but I learned a great deal about myself. The word of God forces you to take a hard look into the mirror and see the error in your ways, not just at the error of others. Its a double edge sword that cuts deeply but only to purify. There were also times I had to step away due to the tears.
The Gold circle you see on the cover of the book just seemed like the obvious answer as God kept bringing me full circle. Everything I ran away from, He brought me back to face it, to restore me. My home, once upon a time a prison, now a house of prayer. My childhood church, once upon a time a place where I felt judged, now a place of refuge. My family, once upon a time kept at a safe distance, now pulled close in forgiveness.
There is a strong possibility God will do the same for you. Not everyone's story will play out the same, but we pull on the power and guidance of the same God who sent his son to die for us. Going back to the scene of the crime will be painful, but now
It's time to take back what the enemy stole from you.
Lastly, the author picture! It is me, and I can't help but cry of joy every time I see this photo. It's a powerful image for me that brings more healing. For so many years I was so mad at her, for not speaking up, for not fighting back, for not getting help. Here is something valuable I learned in Therapy.
You cannot hold the child you, accountable for what the adult you, now knows. She didn't know. Forgive her.
If anyone needed this win in life, it's that little girl that I hid and punished for so long. To see her (ME) now on the path of coming back for my sisters, it is in act of FAITH. He said I only need a mustard seed size of faith and this is it. I'm loading my mustard seed into the world wide web of books and praying that God uses it to break my sisters free from the chains of bondage of shame and turmoil.
I am simply sharing what God said.
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